The Cookout

Banks · 9/26/21

I am a mix of both. I want to meet someone one day to live the rest of my life with, but I am also open to just a friends with benefits type of situation. I know some find FWB a bit weird, while others are totally for and into it. I myself want to be more open to it, because I know many women who aren't into the idea of a relationship and I figure I could maybe get a FWB situation going.

Do you guys prefer FWB? Or would you rather find one woman and eventually get married? I eventually want to get married, but I'm still young and I don't feel like really settling down anytime soon.

vwoman75 · 9/26/21

It depends on what my mate wants. I want a serious relationship that leads towards marriage.

lexodyssey · 9/26/21

I think I would just be single. I'm not looking to get married anytime soon but I feel like FWB could get messy if either one starts catching feelings.

TheHarmattan · 9/26/21

I'm a mature man and getting married doesn't bother me. If she's Black and she keeps her pedi appointments and she can cook and if she has an adventurous personality, I'm sold.

Jay · 9/26/21

FWB is cool but gets old. You end up getting in the cycle of:

Court her
Smash
She catches feelings
You let her go

You run through that over and over.

Red Velvet · 9/27/21

I was taught that if you give a man the milk for free he’ll never buy the cow. Now I would be lying if I said I never played around but I’m a good woman and if you want me physically you need to commit. My body is my temple and not everyone is allowed to come and attend service.

Ubiquity · 9/27/21

I'm not into FWB, but it's weird because, I want any and all mens I lay down with to be my "friend". Love me enough as your friend to let me go, when you don't have enough for me or love me enough as your friend to let me know that I don't have enough for you. Either way, love me and respect me. I don't believe in marriage, but I can be sold on the idea if with the right person

Jay · 9/27/21

Ubiquity said:
I'm not into FWB, but it's weird because, I want any and all mens I lay down with to be my "friend". Love me enough as your friend to let me go, when you don't have enough for me or love me enough as your friend to let me know that I don't have enough for you. Either way, love me and respect me. I don't believe in marriage, but I can be sold on the idea if with the right person

That's not weird though, you just want to build a foundation of kinship, respect, enjoyableness that the intimacy is built upon. Legitimately enjoying one another is critical because there may be times where the relationship is on the rocks or the intimacy is lacking but that foundation of friendship will be there to carry you through.

It's not the same as FWB or Platonic Friendship because with FWB, Friendship is the end state. With your case, relationship is the end state, friendship is the path to getting to the end state.

Ubiquity · 9/27/21

Jay said:
That's not weird though, you just want to build a foundation of kinship, respect, enjoyableness that the intimacy is built upon. Legitimately enjoying one another is critical because there may be times where the relationship is on the rocks or the intimacy is lacking but that foundation of friendship will be there to carry you through.

It's not the same as FWB or Platonic Friendship because with FWB, Friendship is the end state. With your case, relationship is the end state, friendship is the path to getting to the end state.

I like how you put that. The friendship is soooo much more important than the intimacy because truth is people get bored with the intimacy(especially men) and the whole relationship be built on that alone. Even if both parties know that it isn't even their strong suit within their union. There is just a lot of factors and the main one for me is my ability to trust. There are some str8 selfish folk out here that can't be trusted as far as you can throw them, but their intimacy and friendship can mask that. Unfortunately, I feel like a baby-Assata and don't feel I can afford that type affair to depend on.

Mastamind · 9/27/21

lexodyssey said:
I think I would just be single. I'm not looking to get married anytime soon but I feel like FWB could get messy if either one starts catching feelings.

This is where I'm at...I've even gotten to the point to where I avoid most if not all discourse on relationships. Love is a farce

Jay · 9/27/21

Ubiquity said:
I like how you put that. The friendship is soooo much more important than the intimacy because truth is people get bored with the intimacy(especially men) and the whole relationship be built on that alone. Even if both parties know that it isn't even their strong suit within their union. There is just a lot of factors and the main one for me is my ability to trust. There are some str8 selfish folk out here that can't be trusted as far as you can throw them, but their intimacy and friendship can mask that. Unfortunately, I feel like a baby-Assata and don't feel I can afford that type affair to depend on.

But good wholesome deep conversation exposes all. A lot of people confuse time with quality time and that's not always the case. How often of you have deep conversation with your partner or the one you're dating...talking about wants, desires, how they view things, how they process their emotions, what makes them tick, what triggers them, how do they handle being triggered, etc. When you have that deep mental, physical, and spiritual conversation it's hard for the devil to hide so to speak. People only expose their veneer and when you keep the conversation at a superficial "feel good" level then you only gonna talk to the veneer. A bad person trying to cover it up will reveal themselves sooner or later and you need more than time to figure it out, you need QUALITY time. A lot of people like to do the time but don't like to do the work.

Caprice · 9/28/21

Jay said:
But good wholesome deep conversation exposes all. A lot of people confuse time with quality time and that's not always the case. How often of you have deep conversation with your partner or the one you're dating...talking about wants, desires, how they view things, how they process their emotions, what makes them tick, what triggers them, how do they handle being triggered, etc. When you have that deep mental, physical, and spiritual conversation it's hard for the devil to hide so to speak. People only expose their veneer and when you keep the conversation at a superficial "feel good" level then you only gonna talk to the veneer. A bad person trying to cover it up will reveal themselves sooner or later and you need more than time to figure it out, you need QUALITY time. A lot of people like to do the time but don't like to do the work.

“A lot of people like to do the time but don't like to do the work.” I like that.

Jay · 9/29/21

Mastamind said:
This is where I'm at...I've even gotten to the point to where I avoid most if not all discourse on relationships. Love is a farce

Bruh don’t let your heart stay broke. Love ain’t a farce, marriage as a government institution may be but live ain’t.

Caprice said:
“A lot of people like to do the time but don't like to do the work.” I like that.

Thanks. Been together 5 years and still don’t know each other.

Remember, the tour of the first apartment to see how each people likes things in each room is doing the work…it may seem like a bit much but it’s necessary.

Oopsydaisy · 10/1/21

Fwb just isn’t for me. I’m too much of a romantic. There is no one i only want to be around merely for sex. In fact the whole reason I would want to possibly be intimate with anyone is because I’m into as a whole human being.

Jay · 10/2/21

Oopsydaisy said:
Fwb just isn’t for me. I’m too much of a romantic. There is no one i only want to be around merely for sex. In fact the whole reason I would want to possibly be intimate with anyone is because I’m into as a whole human being.

Yeah, it's tough when you can't disconnect sex from love or from a relationship.

Oopsydaisy · 10/3/21

Jay said:
Yeah, it's tough when you can't disconnect sex from love or from a relationship.

Crazy part is, I could do it, but I wouldn’t want to b/c it takes the fun and passion out of it.

Jay · 10/3/21

Oopsydaisy said:
Crazy part is, I could do it, but I wouldn’t want to b/c it takes the fun and passion out of it.

Yes and then it makes things cold and utilitarian. Why settle for sex without the connection, the passion, the intensity?

Banks · 10/9/21

Jay said:
FWB is cool but gets old. You end up getting in the cycle of:

Court her

Smash

She catches feelings

You let her go

You run through that over and over.

Yeah I find that to be the situation a lot of the times, especially if it's an ongoing thing, because of course one of both will eventually find feelings. I have had a couple women that I was really into, but they weren't into a relationship at the time. So I kept on with it, and met other women.

Probably not a good habit to be stuck in, but that's just the way it was for me. But, I have kinda calmed down with it in recent years, possibly due to covid as well. But I think I am leaning towards finding someone to spend the rest of my life with more often now, and haven't been going out to meet women as often anymore.

Nesut · 10/9/21

Banks said:
Yeah I find that to be the situation a lot of the times, especially if it's an ongoing thing, because of course one of both will eventually find feelings. I have had a couple women that I was really into, but they weren't into a relationship at the time. So I kept on with it, and met other women.

Probably not a good habit to be stuck in, but that's just the way it was for me. But, I have kinda calmed down with it in recent years, possibly due to covid as well. But I think I am leaning towards finding someone to spend the rest of my life with more often now, and haven't been going out to meet women as often anymore.

That’s nice. Consistency is a beautiful thing.

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