The Cookout

[Sapphire]

This can be through basic care, weight gain, excess drinking, or just plain ol' laziness.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is letting themselves go and allowing bad habits to come in, how do you address it? How do you tell them they need to get their act together without coming off as mean, cruel, or insensitive?

 

[Dollene]

This may not be the best advice, but I’d just say it. I’m not attracted to you anymore because of xyz. If you want to continue having an active sex life you may want to do something about that. I’m mean though.

 

[Dollene]

Let me say this. I wouldn’t deny my husband sex, but it wouldn’t be the same. ‘Do your business and get’ would be the attitude.

 

[Sapphire]

Let me say this. I wouldn’t deny my husband sex, but it wouldn’t be the same. ‘Do your business and get’ would be the attitude.

Yeah, I feel you. If the attraction isn't there, then it is like a chore. Like yeah we are married, enjoy yourself but don't expect me to be enjoying it with you! lol

 

[Devin]

Most of the time if your partner (them/they) is "letting themselves go" there could be a bigger problem at hand. Your partner could be experiencing depression, anxiety, or some other mental health-related issues. In this scenario, if my partner is "letting themselves go", I would check in with them just to see how they are doing. I will mention that they have been doing some things that are unusual and I will make them fully aware that I am here to support them along life's journey.

 

[The_Nsurgent]

This can be through basic care, weight gain, excess drinking, or just plain ol' laziness.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is letting themselves go and allowing bad habits to come in, how do you address it? How do you tell them they need to get their act together without coming off as mean, cruel, or insensitive?

You inform that person that you notice a change in their mindset or behavior. If it is destructive or can become destructive, point it out as so and talk to them about the cause. Not addressing it is not a viable option. Confront the issue while its small before its too big to handle amicably. Be direct (but not harsh), if you are met with an aggressive response back off and address it again when it continues.

You are acting differently (Explain how).
What's going on? (Explain the impact of their different behavior)
How are you / we going to resolve this? (Offer ideas or a plan)( Be encouraging)
This is behavior is Destructive (Explain why).

 

[Red Velvet]

You inform that person that you notice a change in their mindset or behavior. If it is destructive or can become destructive, point it out as so and talk to them about the cause. Not addressing it is not a viable option. Confront the issue while its small before its too big to handle amicably. Be direct (but not harsh), if you are met with an aggressive response back off and address it again when it continues.

You are acting differently (Explain how).
What's going on? (Explain the impact of their different behavior)
How are you / we going to resolve this? (Offer ideas or a plan)( Be encouraging)
This is behavior is Destructive (Explain why).

Spot on The_Nsurgent. People don't realize that you can start building up animosity towards your partner and not even know why. A lot of these people have unresolved conversations and the symptoms of these deep seeded issues surfaces as petty arguments. As a woman I can say I'm notorious for this but I'm getting better.

 

[Sapphire]

You inform that person that you notice a change in their mindset or behavior. If it is destructive or can become destructive, point it out as so and talk to them about the cause. Not addressing it is not a viable option. Confront the issue while its small before its too big to handle amicably. Be direct (but not harsh), if you are met with an aggressive response back off and address it again when it continues.

You are acting differently (Explain how).
What's going on? (Explain the impact of their different behavior)
How are you / we going to resolve this? (Offer ideas or a plan)( Be encouraging)
This is behavior is Destructive (Explain why).

This is a really solid approach. You are firm but understanding. I have heard of men helping their ladies lose weight by working out with them and changing their diets with them. I feel like this is a better approach than just telling them they look bad.

Behavior outside of eating habits and weight gain can be harder though.

 

[The_Nsurgent]

This is a really solid approach. You are firm but understanding. I have heard of men helping their ladies lose weight by working out with them and changing their diets with them. I feel like this is a better approach than just telling them they look bad.

Behavior outside of eating habits and weight gain can be harder though.

I tried being supportive and encouraging to my ex-wife concerning her losing weight but her attitude was so hostile I eventually had to give up. (There were other factors that contributed to the hostility between us.) I tried to lead by example by being more active around her. I tried to gradually buy healthier foods over time. I would watch health and fitness videos in a way she could clearly see what I'm looking at. Unfortunately, none of these methods worked for me but I encourage you to try and see what works.

 

[Devin]

Spot on The_Nsurgent. People don't realize that you can start building up animosity towards your partner and not even know why. A lot of these people have unresolved conversations and the symptoms of these deep seeded issues surfaces as petty arguments. As a woman I can say I'm notorious for this but I'm getting better.

This is actually why you have to learn how to express yourself always because it's the only way that you would be able to get it all out and not let it bottle up inside, and then grow into something nasty.

 

[Dollene]

I tried being supportive and encouraging to my ex-wife concerning her losing weight but her attitude was so hostile I eventually had to give up. (There were other factors that contributed to the hostility between us.) I tried to lead by example by being more active around her. I tried to gradually buy healthier foods over time. I would watch health and fitness videos in a way she could clearly see what I'm looking at. Unfortunately, none of these methods worked for me but I encourage you to try and see what works.

This is why I’m mean. I find that negative reinforcement works. I’m not about to coddle you huggy bear.

 

[The_Nsurgent]

This is why I’m mean. I find that negative reinforcement works. I’m not about to coddle you huggy bear.

I tried both positive and negative reinforcement. Neither was successful in my situation.

 

[Jay]

This is why I’m mean. I find that negative reinforcement works. I’m not about to coddle you huggy bear.

What do you mean? You‘re going to say “Hey babe you’re a fat ass?”

 

[Devin]

What do you mean? You‘re going to say “Hey babe you’re a fat ass?”

If you put it in a sexy way, she might take it a compliment and have her head blown over like she's the best 😂.

 

[Dollene]

What do you mean? You‘re going to say “Hey babe you’re a fat ass?”

Not in those exact words, but yea 😂

 

[Jay]

Not in those exact words, but yea 😂

I told my lady to be straight up with me. If I’m in denial about my weight gain or any other thing I’m letting go, hints ain’t gonna be good enough.

 

[Dollene]

I tried both positive and negative reinforcement. Neither was successful in my situation.

I wonder if she lost weight after the break up. That’s when women get it together. Looking like a biggie smalls on the stroll ain’t what’s up.

 

[Dollene]

I told my lady to be straight up with me. If I’m in denial about my weight gain or any other thing I’m letting go, hints ain’t gonna be good enough.

Exactly. I like mine straight no chaser. My dad was a foot to ass kinda man, so that’s what I respond to. Anything less and I’ll walk all over you.

 

[Jay]

Exactly. I like mine straight no chaser. My dad was a foot to ass kinda man, so that’s what I respond to. Anything less and I’ll walk all over you.

I like that because it’s just an easier way to communicate. Like alcohol on a cut, it burns sometimes but you never are unsure about anything. You know where I stand and I know where you stand because we tell it 100%. That doesn’t mean we aren’t mindful of each other’s feelings…it just means we convey thoughts in a straight forward manner.

“Hey babe you’re gaining some weight let’s start working out.”

You don’t have to guess how I feel about that statement.

 

[Devin]

I wonder if she lost weight after the break up. That’s when women get it together. Looking like a biggie smalls on the stroll ain’t what’s up.

Break up will most likely drain you 80% if you were truly in love with your partner. You get depressed, deprived of food and your sleep with elude you.

 

[The_Nsurgent]

I wonder if she lost weight after the break up. That’s when women get it together. Looking like a biggie smalls on the stroll ain’t what’s up.

No, she never did. Even if she had I would not have wanted her back. The damage done to the relationship was too severe to recover.

 

[The Honorable]

No, she never did. Even if she had I would not have wanted her back. The damage done to the relationship was too severe to recover.

You would have been on edge too. Not a good idea, sometime you have to let things go for good.

 

[Devin]

You would have been on edge too. Not a good idea, sometime you have to let things go for good.

Some people don't understand that not all relationships are meant to last forever. When I see some trying too hard to force relationships to work, I feel like they don't understand they are causing themselves more harm than good.

 

[Peter Popoff]

This can be through basic care, weight gain, excess drinking, or just plain ol' laziness.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is letting themselves go and allowing bad habits to come in, how do you address it? How do you tell them they need to get their act together without coming off as mean, cruel, or insensitive?

I see this as more of a female issue than us men. It's difficult cause women are mad sensitive. You gotta essentially stop having sex and lay all the facts on the table. Get you a nice book collection and focus on your well being then let the opposite sex flirt with you til it figures itself out.

 

[Sapphire]

I see this as more of a female issue than us men. It's difficult cause women are mad sensitive. You gotta essentially stop having sex and lay all the facts on the table. Get you a nice book collection and focus on your well being then let the opposite sex flirt with you til it figures itself out.

Yeah I know. I mean I can be like that at times but the older I get, the more I just want honestly. If I let myself go and didn't notice it, I would want my partner to tell me!

 

[Barida]

Whenever it involves your relationship, you should be honest about what you want them to change. There is need to come open and let them know where they are getting it wrong. That is one sure way to help them adjust because, if you paint it small in their eyes, they may take it as a joke.

 

[Heatice]

I'm a very blunt person. I don't know how to mince words especially when I care about you and you're obviously doing something that's going to be detrimental to you in the long run. I will bluntly tell you to your face what needs to be said. It's all up to you to accept it the way you want.