The Cookout

[MR-D-ROB]

So I generally allow my wife to have access to my bank account. All I ask is if she plans to make any big purchases to ask/tell me ahead of time so I know. I have always wanted her to have access to my money for our daughters.

I don't ask her for access to her bank account in return. This is really because I don't need her money and I'd rather her use it for our kids.

So over the last month I noticed she has been short on money and spending a lot more of mine than usual.

It turns out she is sending lots of her money to her brother who is locked up in prison.

I personally have a principle of that I don't send money to someone in prison. Especially when the offense is drug related! I left home at 18 and have never done drugs. This is her brother's 4th time being locked up on drug related offenses.

I asked her to stop sending him money and she tells me I can't tell her what to do with her money.

All the while she is spending my money.

So my response was this....

I don't want her spending any of my money only so she can send her money to her brother who is locked up. She can use my bank account but only if it's for our daughters.

Anything else other than for my kids my bank is now off limits to her!

Am I wrong?

 

[sourgrapes]

Did you earn the money? If so, you regulate it how you see fit. Her sending money to her brother in prison and not telling you is a betrayal in my book. Family or not, that is something you sit down and discuss.

 

[MR-D-ROB]

Did you earn the money? If so, you regulate it how you see fit. Her sending money to her brother in prison and not telling you is a betrayal in my book. Family or not, that is something you sit down and discuss.

Did you earn the money? If so, you regulate it how you see fit. Her sending money to her brother in prison and not telling you is a betrayal in my book. Family or not, that is something you sit down and discuss.

She said I can't tell her what to do with her money.
And she's right. That's her money.

I'm just now regulating and telling her she can't spend my money now.

If I can't tell her what to do with her money then she can't spend mine.

No double standards. Fair is fair!

 

[Sapphire]

She can do what she wants with her own money but she can't do what she wants with your money. That is complete BS.

I would just separate your money and not let her touch it. Trust is earned.

 

[Jay]

So I generally allow my wife to have access to my bank account. All I ask is if she plans to make any big purchases to ask/tell me ahead of time so I know. I have always wanted her to have access to my money for our daughters.

I don't ask her for access to her bank account in return. This is really because I don't need her money and I'd rather her use it for our kids.

So over the last month I noticed she has been short on money and spending a lot more of mine than usual.

It turns out she is sending lots of her money to her brother who is locked up in prison.

I personally have a principle of that I don't send money to someone in prison. Especially when the offense is drug related! I left home at 18 and have never done drugs. This is her brother's 4th time being locked up on drug related offenses.

I asked her to stop sending him money and she tells me I can't tell her what to do with her money.

All the while she is spending my money.

So my response was this....

I don't want her spending any of my money only so she can send her money to her brother who is locked up. She can use my bank account but only if it's for our daughters.

Anything else other than for my kids my bank is now off limits to her!

Am I wrong?

You better cut off access to your bank account and set up a joint. For one, she is using your hard work and effort to prop up her family. Is that fair to you?

Her brother can screw up his life and now you have to subsidize it? This is a huge issue and if it's like that with her druggie brother just imagine what she'll do for her parents.

You need to establish boundaries in that house and quickly. The fact that you're even asking if you're wrong lets me know that you're the beta in the relationship.

Think about it, you were actually willing to accept the possibility that her taking money out of your account to bankroll her jail bound druggie sibling was a good thing. That's BETA AF bro.

You giving her access to the account is proof that you have been acting like a beta. She knows it too which is why she is overstepping boundaries so easily.

You said "Anything else other than for my kids my bank is now off limits to her!" No, it's not off limits to her. She still has access to spend out of your account and she will continue to do so.

She'll still use your money to offset what she is doing but she'll make sure that every purchase out of your account looks like a purchase for the kids.

 

[TeeGee]

My wife could have an idea about how much I'm earning but I wouldn't give her full access to any of my accounts, Except the once we open to save up money for our kids education and other general family issues.

If she needs money she could come to me and if it's something worth spending on then I would gladly give her the money for it, but I wouldn't let have access to the account without my permission.

I don't know how you two started your relationship but since you already gave her full access taking her off it now might escalate the problems, but you should try and give her a monthly spending limit so if she exhausts the money before that time frame, then she would need to look for other alternative to get money or Learn to make wise use of the one given to her.

 

[Deleted member 191]

I think you were wrong for giving her access to your personal accounts in the first place, that was....not a good decision and now you've created this situation because of that decision.

My mom was an accountant. So when we (my older siblings and I) were growing up, we were ALWAYS told, whether you're just living together or married, DO NOT EVER. relinquish access to your personal accounts for ANY reason other than ABSOLUTE EMERGENCIES only. There should be 3 open bank accounts: Yours, Theirs and "Ours" That is to say: Your bank account, their bank account and the joint bank account.

Not sure if you guys have a joint bank account, but if not, this is literally what it's for.
JOINT RESPONSIBILITIES: HOUSE, CARS, KIDS, INVESTMENTS, ETC.

Heaven forbid, what if she turned out to be a crazy bitch and you needed to leave the situation to safety without her knowledge? How the hell you pullin' that off if she has access to your funds? And if you got kids together and you're trying to get you AND them to safety? What then? What if you both decide to go your separate ways and at first it's amicable, but suddenly she's low key monitoring your spending and pulling up your account information then presenting it in court to use it against you? What happens if your ONLY lifeline is your personal account but the funds needed are depleted because she's using up all her money and then blowing through yours? What then?

I use those examples because this is the shit white women will pull when they're done playing ending the relationship with their black sex toys partner if you're not careful.

You can put a limit on how much she spends from your account, but she clearly has her own bank account, so let her use her OWN money. Furthermore, and I'm being a bit sarcastic, I admit, but I'm also being serious, are you her daddy or are you her husband? Because even if you go the giving her a limit route, at that point, that ain't nothin' but allowance. Children get allowances.

However it shakes out, I hope it works out for you in the end, though.

 

[Maxwell]

You haven't done any single thing wrong here, rather you have have been too soft and accommodating to the point of being taken for a fool by her. Forgive my being blunt but I hate when someone takes good deeds for granted. Some husband wouldn't give their wives access to their own money but rather place them on a certain amount of money on monthly basis. I think that's what you need to do and you can take care of your daughter when it comes to getting for her anything she needs.

 

[GwynShivers]

So I generally allow my wife to have access to my bank account. All I ask is if she plans to make any big purchases to ask/tell me ahead of time so I know. I have always wanted her to have access to my money for our daughters.

I don't ask her for access to her bank account in return. This is really because I don't need her money and I'd rather her use it for our kids.

So over the last month I noticed she has been short on money and spending a lot more of mine than usual.

It turns out she is sending lots of her money to her brother who is locked up in prison.

I personally have a principle of that I don't send money to someone in prison. Especially when the offense is drug related! I left home at 18 and have never done drugs. This is her brother's 4th time being locked up on drug related offenses.

I asked her to stop sending him money and she tells me I can't tell her what to do with her money.

All the while she is spending my money.

So my response was this....

I don't want her spending any of my money only so she can send her money to her brother who is locked up. She can use my bank account but only if it's for our daughters.

Anything else other than for my kids my bank is now off limits to her!

Am I wrong?

Not at all!

 

[Red Velvet]

So I generally allow my wife to have access to my bank account. All I ask is if she plans to make any big purchases to ask/tell me ahead of time so I know. I have always wanted her to have access to my money for our daughters.

I don't ask her for access to her bank account in return. This is really because I don't need her money and I'd rather her use it for our kids.

So over the last month I noticed she has been short on money and spending a lot more of mine than usual.

It turns out she is sending lots of her money to her brother who is locked up in prison.

I personally have a principle of that I don't send money to someone in prison. Especially when the offense is drug related! I left home at 18 and have never done drugs. This is her brother's 4th time being locked up on drug related offenses.

I asked her to stop sending him money and she tells me I can't tell her what to do with her money.

All the while she is spending my money.

So my response was this....

I don't want her spending any of my money only so she can send her money to her brother who is locked up. She can use my bank account but only if it's for our daughters.

Anything else other than for my kids my bank is now off limits to her!

Am I wrong?

Letting that white woman fleece you.

 

[Danny]

She's so lucky to have a man like you in her life because most men won't take that from her. She can't use the family's money that's meant for your daughter to be sending for her brother in jail. What's the brother doing with all the money in prison? Is he running a business in prison or what?

 

[Heatice]

Anything else other than for my kids my bank is now off limits to her!

Am I wrong?

This was what I was looking forward at the end and you didn't disappoint me. You did the best thing for your family, your kid and even her as well but she's yet to realize that. I would have cut her off with my money a long time ago I found out what she was using it for, and she wouldn't do anything about it.

 

[MR-D-ROB]

The thing is that she isn't sending my money to her brother. She knows that is an absolute no. That doesn't even have to be discussed.
However she is sending her to her brother. This results in her having less of her money and thus wanting to spend more of my money.

So in essence it's like a loophole she is using. Technically she isn't sending him my money. She is sending her own money. Then just replacing that money with mine.

That's why I cut off access to my accounts. Being that she is my wife and we have kids together I will always have to take of my family. That's just what any man would do.

I just now don't let her use money for things that are non essential. Hair, nails, make-up etc.
She needs to use her money for that. If she wants to order out for her and the kids or something like that I don't mind. If she wants to get clothes, school supplies or just household supplies that's all okay.

We have a good enough trust with each other that once I set my limits she respects my wishes.

I only did this because she made the statement that I can't tell her what to do with her money. So the way I see it is then okay if that's the case then we will view it as my money is mine and her money is hers.

 

[MR-D-ROB]

You better cut off access to your bank account and set up a joint. For one, she is using your hard work and effort to prop up her family. Is that fair to you?

Her brother can screw up his life and now you have to subsidize it? This is a huge issue and if it's like that with her druggie brother just imagine what she'll do for her parents.

You need to establish boundaries in that house and quickly. The fact that you're even asking if you're wrong lets me know that you're the beta in the relationship.

Think about it, you were actually willing to accept the possibility that her taking money out of your account to bankroll her jail bound druggie sibling was a good thing. That's BETA AF bro.

You giving her access to the account is proof that you have been acting like a beta. She knows it too which is why she is overstepping boundaries so easily.

You said "Anything else other than for my kids my bank is now off limits to her!" No, it's not off limits to her. She still has access to spend out of your account and she will continue to do so.

She'll still use your money to offset what she is doing but she'll make sure that every purchase out of your account looks like a purchase for the kids.

I don't know if I'd go as far as saying Beta.
I've always allowed her to have access to my bank account. I just do that as part of being head of household and making sure she can do what needs to be done for the children.

She won't ever spend money on her parents. Her mother is deceased and she doesn't get along with her father.

The only reason I ask is that some women literally feel like when you marry them you marry the entire family!

 

[Sovereign]

The thing is that she isn't sending my money to her brother. She knows that is an absolute no. That doesn't even have to be discussed.
However she is sending her to her brother. This results in her having less of her money and thus wanting to spend more of my money.

You playing mind games with yourself. She’s sending your money to her brother but she is laundering it.

That's why I cut off access to my accounts. Being that she is my wife and we have kids together I will always have to take of my family. That's just what any man would do.

I just now don't let her use money for things that are non essential. Hair, nails, make-up etc.
She needs to use her money for that. If she wants to order out for her and the kids or something like that I don't mind. If she wants to get clothes, school supplies or just household supplies that's all okay.

Who taught you that taking care off your family requires to leave yourself completely exposed while your wife maintains full autonomy? You should have been set up a joint account where you drop money for expenses in. You’re playing the game like a mark. Your wife can raid your bank account and leave you completely vulnerable and you’re allowing it to happen. SMH.

 

[Jay]

I don't know if I'd go as far as saying Beta.
I've always allowed her to have access to my bank account. I just do that as part of being head of household and making sure she can do what needs to be done for the children.

She won't ever spend money on her parents. Her mother is deceased and she doesn't get along with her father.

The only reason I ask is that some women literally feel like when you marry them you marry the entire family!

Just because you’ve always done something doesn’t mean it’s not beta. Also being head of household means you provide but not at your own well being.

Being head of household means you lead it and everyone in it. She is over extending the family to help a jail bird. This is impacting your personal finance

You should create a joint account so that you provide without over extending yourself.

 

[The Haze Of Our Lives]

So I generally allow my wife to have access to my bank account. All I ask is if she plans to make any big purchases to ask/tell me ahead of time so I know. I have always wanted her to have access to my money for our daughters.

I don't ask her for access to her bank account in return. This is really because I don't need her money and I'd rather her use it for our kids.

So over the last month I noticed she has been short on money and spending a lot more of mine than usual.

It turns out she is sending lots of her money to her brother who is locked up in prison.

I personally have a principle of that I don't send money to someone in prison. Especially when the offense is drug related! I left home at 18 and have never done drugs. This is her brother's 4th time being locked up on drug related offenses.

I asked her to stop sending him money and she tells me I can't tell her what to do with her money.

All the while she is spending my money.

So my response was this....

I don't want her spending any of my money only so she can send her money to her brother who is locked up. She can use my bank account but only if it's for our daughters.

Anything else other than for my kids my bank is now off limits to her!

Am I wrong?

She sounds like a "DISCIPLINARIAN" problem.

 

[WhipsAndChains]

Letting that white woman fleece you.

He made a bunch of threads bashing sistas, but a white hispanic is taxing him. You can't make this up

 

[@MypplBlackcat40]

I dont think you are wrong and i understand your wife I love my siblings and woukd do anything for them

 

[Barida]

This is a delicate situation considering the fact that she is placing her brother's needs ahead of your decision. She is not submissive and letting her spend money overtime from your bank account for your kids and her needs was what caused all of that.

You need to talk to her again on the need to spend part of her money on the kids as well. They are her kids and her earnings should also go towards them.

 

[MR-D-ROB]

He made a bunch of threads bashing sistas, but a white hispanic is taxing him. You can't make this up

I never bashed black women. I simply stated a point of view that some people disagreed with!

 

[MR-D-ROB]

Just because you’ve always done something doesn’t mean it’s not beta. Also being head of household means you provide but not at your own well being.

Being head of household means you lead it and everyone in it. She is over extending the family to help a jail bird. This is impacting your personal finance

You should create a joint account so that you provide without over extending yourself.

It's easier to just allow her access to my account. Reason is that as easily as I allow access I can take it away also. She never goes to an extreme that it puts us in financial trouble.
The issue is that I am so principled about it that I don't give any in between. She wants to give him just a small amount of money. I don't want to give him anything. Not even a quarter. And I'm not willing to budge. Even though we could afford to give him the amount she wants to.

I just feel like it isn't my problem that he is locked up. Nobody told him to use or be around others using meth, weed or whatever other drugs he got locked up for.

So I told her she could send him money but it has to be her own and that she couldn't spend my money for non-essential stuff like getting her hair and nails done or buying clothes for herself. Normally I allow her to do that stuff but I'm pretty much saying no now as punishment for sending him money!

I feel bad about doing that but that's just where I'm at with it!

 

[MR-D-ROB]

He made a bunch of threads bashing sistas, but a white hispanic is taxing him. You can't make this up

I will give you this. With a black woman I don't think I'd even be having this discussion because they would feel the same as me.

With Hispanic women family is almost always a issue. They seem to have a hard time knowing when they need to cut ties and can't see the difference between supporting someone and enabling them!

 

[Nesut]

It's easier to just allow her access to my account. Reason is that as easily as I allow access I can take it away also. She never goes to an extreme that it puts us in financial trouble.
The issue is that I am so principled about it that I don't give any in between. She wants to give him just a small amount of money. I don't want to give him anything. Not even a quarter. And I'm not willing to budge. Even though we could afford to give him the amount she wants to.

I just feel like it isn't my problem that he is locked up. Nobody told him to use or be around others using meth, weed or whatever other drugs he got locked up for.

So I told her she could send him money but it has to be her own and that she couldn't spend my money for non-essential stuff like getting her hair and nails done or buying clothes for herself. Normally I allow her to do that stuff but I'm pretty much saying no now as punishment for sending him money!

I feel bad about doing that but that's just where I'm at with it!

Why’d you ask a question if you didn’t want to hear anything contrary to what you are doing?

 

[Goodness]

Both of you may not be wrong but the approach is what went wrong. You could have told her your mind without her misunderstanding you and vise versa.
You both blew hot at the same time. Communication can settle everything. Communicate more

 

[educatedman23]

So I generally allow my wife to have access to my bank account. All I ask is if she plans to make any big purchases to ask/tell me ahead of time so I know. I have always wanted her to have access to my money for our daughters.

I don't ask her for access to her bank account in return. This is really because I don't need her money and I'd rather her use it for our kids.

So over the last month I noticed she has been short on money and spending a lot more of mine than usual.

It turns out she is sending lots of her money to her brother who is locked up in prison.

I personally have a principle of that I don't send money to someone in prison. Especially when the offense is drug related! I left home at 18 and have never done drugs. This is her brother's 4th time being locked up on drug related offenses.

I asked her to stop sending him money and she tells me I can't tell her what to do with her money.

All the while she is spending my money.

So my response was this....

I don't want her spending any of my money only so she can send her money to her brother who is locked up. She can use my bank account but only if it's for our daughters.

Anything else other than for my kids my bank is now off limits to her!

Am I wrong?

No. You are not wrong. That's how I would respond.

 

[educatedman23]

This is a delicate situation considering the fact that she is placing her brother's needs ahead of your decision. She is not submissive and letting her spend money overtime from your bank account for your kids and her needs was what caused all of that.

You need to talk to her again on the need to spend part of her money on the kids as well. They are her kids and her earnings should also go towards them.

Agree. The money should go to the children and not the brother.

 

[Barida]

Agree. The money should go to the children and not the brother.

That is exactly my point. You can't neglect the responsibility of taking care of your children to just your husband alone while all your income goes to your brother who is in prison. A balance is needed in this kind of union.

 

[educatedman23]

That is exactly my point. You can't neglect the responsibility of taking care of your children to just your husband alone while all your income goes to your brother who is in prison. A balance is needed in this kind of union.

Agree. I know sometimes there are complex situations whereas other times there are simple situations.

 

[chinwe]

As long as she is married and has kids, part of her income should be used to take care of the them. Their well being should be part of her responsibility without being told. The fact that she has access to your account shows you are a good man. Yes, she should not neglet her brother in prison but she needs to apply wisdom so that things will balance.

 

[Rollie Forbes]

View: https://www.instagram.com/reel/CiQEFVpMIGK/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

 

[RCNAL]

There is ALWAYS a line with the 'its my money, its her money' thing. Always. If you are sending money to an ex? Is it still your money? If she is sending money to her ex is that her money? There is a moral / ethical line even if you keep separate accounts.

This is what I suspect about her brother. Assuming she has a 'decent' amount of discretionary income. A prisoner doesn't need a lot of money. A hundred bux is more than enough in most prisons. You have prison commissary, for extra shit. If you are serving your time quietly, you might want some extra snacks, chips, stuff they don't serve at chow. Its not a lot of money. If she is short, its a whole lot of money. There are only 3 main reasons why a prisoner needs hundreds of dollars or so much she is short of money: 1. He's gambling and can't pay his debts and/or 2. drugs or 3. He's getting punked (extorted) for money by others up to and including paying for protection.

My guess is your wife doesn't know all these. My guess based on what you said. 99% chance is number 2: drugs. He's getting high as f*ck and buying drugs on credit. He told her some lies that she wants to believe because its her brother.

If the roles were reversed she wouldn't okay it. You know it and I know it. I've seen relationships break up over stuff like this. She can and seems to be arguing that her brother is within that moral line. To an extent yes..an extent but morally I would argue it doesn't cover everything. Helping him get a down payment for a car, apartment, is understandable. Helping him pay for a training course. Things to better yourself is understandable. My advice? Have an agreement with your wife that no matter whose money, you help relatives when its to improve themselves or medical emergency. The gray area would be bail if they got arrested and things like that doesn't fit the aforementioned.

 

[Jay]

View: https://www.instagram.com/reel/CiQEFVpMIGK/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

I would be pissed. Holy shit. The trust would be totally gone.

 

[educatedman23]

There is ALWAYS a line with the 'its my money, its her money' thing. Always. If you are sending money to an ex? Is it still your money? If she is sending money to her ex is that her money? There is a moral / ethical line even if you keep separate accounts.

This is what I suspect about her brother. Assuming she has a 'decent' amount of discretionary income. A prisoner doesn't need a lot of money. A hundred bux is more than enough in most prisons. You have prison commissary, for extra shit. If you are serving your time quietly, you might want some extra snacks, chips, stuff they don't serve at chow. Its not a lot of money. If she is short, its a whole lot of money. There are only 3 main reasons why a prisoner needs hundreds of dollars or so much she is short of money: 1. He's gambling and can't pay his debts and/or 2. drugs or 3. He's getting punked (extorted) for money by others up to and including paying for protection.

My guess is your wife doesn't know all these. My guess based on what you said. 99% chance is number 2: drugs. He's getting high as f*ck and buying drugs on credit. He told her some lies that she wants to believe because its her brother.

If the roles were reversed she wouldn't okay it. You know it and I know it. I've seen relationships break up over stuff like this. She can and seems to be arguing that her brother is within that moral line. To an extent yes..an extent but morally I would argue it doesn't cover everything. Helping him get a down payment for a car, apartment, is understandable. Helping him pay for a training course. Things to better yourself is understandable. My advice? Have an agreement with your wife that no matter whose money, you help relatives when its to improve themselves or medical emergency. The gray area would be bail if they got arrested and things like that doesn't fit the aforementioned.

Interesting response. I wholeheartedly agree. I love the three points you made because gambling, drugs and being punked were the three things I happened to think about as well.

 

[Finesse]

I agree with you 100% op. If it's your money, you deserve to know what she is spending it on. And if you set the boundary of not using your money to support her brother, than she needs to honor that. I see no issue with her spending her own money as long as it doesn't hurt your family in return. But if it results in her being broke, and then cutting into your earnings, nah, that's not good.

That should be up for you to decide. If she wants your money for his support, she needs to ask you first.

That's how I feel about it though. I probably would get a joint account with my girlfriend, but I would ask that she talks with me first before any purchases are made, or at least anything big. I think that's all fair, to want to know what the money is being used for.

 

[Maxwell]

That is exactly my point. You can't neglect the responsibility of taking care of your children to just your husband alone while all your income goes to your brother who is in prison. A balance is needed in this kind of union.

When you talk about how crazy some ladies can be, this is a stark example of it. Your own kids, that are your future is lower on your priority to take care of. She's needs to get checked out.