The Cookout

[sourgrapes]

A friend of mine's fiance has a cousin who she wants to set me up with. He is a light skin dude (mixed) with pretty green eyes. She wants us to go to the wedding together but was hoping we could actually date first and go as a couple. They are getting married at the end of January. I saw some pics and he is an attractive man. He is about 6'2, nice built but on the thinner side, working on starting up his own business, and has a lot going for him (already owns his own house). The only thing is, he does have a daughter from a past relationship of whom he takes care of full time. The mother skipped state when she was 2 years old and basically dumped her on him. His ex was a white woman so the little girl is more white than black. I don't have an issue with that though. She is a cute girl and all and no baby momma drama in the picture but my concern is that if it became serious, I might treat our children better than her. I always had this worry when dating men who already had kids. I am not sure how I feel about it. She is 6 years old now and he is 32. What would you do in this situation? Any advice?

 

[Real One]

If you like him, see where it goes. You don't have to commit to anything, use the dates with him to see if he's a good fit for you or not. That's what I think I'd do if it was switched around and I was being set up with a woman.

For me, kids aren't a deal breaker either, if you have one kid, I can live with that. But I don't think I could date a woman who already has a few kids. Maybe if they're older and near the stage of moving out, but I couldn't otherwise.

As for the his kid liking you, I wouldn't worry about it. The mother sounds like she is out of the picture for the most part, so she might be cool with a new woman in her life. One of my friends has a kid and he's dating another girl, and she's already calling her mom. I don't see anything wrong with it if you become a part of her life more.

But yeah, don't rush into anything, and don't stress yourself out thinking about what-ifs. I'm sure she will start to take a liking to you soon enough.

Please update us with what you decide to do. :)

 

[sourgrapes]

If you like him, see where it goes. You don't have to commit to anything, use the dates with him to see if he's a good fit for you or not. That's what I think I'd do if it was switched around and I was being set up with a woman.

For me, kids aren't a deal breaker either, if you have one kid, I can live with that. But I don't think I could date a woman who already has a few kids. Maybe if they're older and near the stage of moving out, but I couldn't otherwise.

As for the his kid liking you, I wouldn't worry about it. The mother sounds like she is out of the picture for the most part, so she might be cool with a new woman in her life. One of my friends has a kid and he's dating another girl, and she's already calling her mom. I don't see anything wrong with it if you become a part of her life more.

But yeah, don't rush into anything, and don't stress yourself out thinking about what-ifs. I'm sure she will start to take a liking to you soon enough.

Please update us with what you decide to do. :)

Yeah I think you are right. I don't have to feel obligated to stick with him or anything. I guess I should make sure boundaries are set as well. I don't want his girl to get attached to me or something and things not work out. It would break my heart. I'll see about setting something up and go on a date. See where it goes from there.

 

[Jay]

A friend of mine's fiance has a cousin who she wants to set me up with. He is a light skin dude (mixed) with pretty green eyes. She wants us to go to the wedding together but was hoping we could actually date first and go as a couple. They are getting married at the end of January. I saw some pics and he is an attractive man. He is about 6'2, nice built but on the thinner side, working on starting up his own business, and has a lot going for him (already owns his own house). The only thing is, he does have a daughter from a past relationship of whom he takes care of full time. The mother skipped state when she was 2 years old and basically dumped her on him. His ex was a white woman so the little girl is more white than black. I don't have an issue with that though. She is a cute girl and all and no baby momma drama in the picture but my concern is that if it became serious, I might treat our children better than her. I always had this worry when dating men who already had kids. I am not sure how I feel about it. She is 6 years old now and he is 32. What would you do in this situation? Any advice?

Let's say you get to the point where it gets serious and you start living together. If you really love that man do you really think you can disrespect his seed? You wouldn't disrespect his mom, sister, or brother but for some reason it's possible to disrespect his daughter? When you date someone with kids you instantly have to understand that it's a package deal. There's no a la carte...you get a spouse and the kid no ifs, ands, or buts.

The fact that you're having this thought is good though because it shows that you're cognizant of it which makes me believe that it wouldn't be an issue. What you need to do is first take your time with the situation but you need to realize that you need to bond with his daughter just as much as you bond with him. You need to take the time to get to know her, to earn her respect, you need to be consistent with her, and be a woman of your word.

If you don't think you can do that and respect that little girl then you need to move on. Don't give her emotional damage because you can't find a way to respect her and date her Dad simultaneously...she doesn't deserve that.

 

[sourgrapes]

Let's say you get to the point where it gets serious and you start living together. If you really love that man do you really think you can disrespect his seed? You wouldn't disrespect his mom, sister, or brother but for some reason it's possible to disrespect his daughter? When you date someone with kids you instantly have to understand that it's a package deal. There's no a la carte...you get a spouse and the kid no ifs, ands, or buts.

The fact that you're having this thought is good though because it shows that you're cognizant of it which makes me believe that it wouldn't be an issue. What you need to do is first take your time with the situation but you need to realize that you need to bond with his daughter just as much as you bond with him. You need to take the time to get to know her, to earn her respect, you need to be consistent with her, and be a woman of your word.

If you don't think you can do that and respect that little girl then you need to move on. Don't give her emotional damage because you can't find a way to respect her and date her Dad simultaneously...she doesn't deserve that.

That is exactly my concern, I am sure I would have no issue getting close to her. I just don't want her to be at risk of something between us heading south. I think I will take the time to get to know him and see if we are a good fit. Then we can make it a trio deal if things are looking good. He seems like a nice, respectable man. According to my friend, he isn't looking for temp relationships but the real deal which is what I am after.

 

[Maximum]

This is tricky because if you guys hit it off and the Mom just pops back up outta nowhere that creates a whole lotta drama.
Plus people with kids have zero free time for anything that isn't kid related so.....

 

[sourgrapes]

This is tricky because if you guys hit it off and the Mom just pops back up outta nowhere that creates a whole lotta drama.
Plus people with kids have zero free time for anything that isn't kid related so.....

This is true but she has not been around since she was 2 and she is 6 now, been 4 years. He has full custody and if she were to show up, it would have to be handled in the courts. I don't know much beyond this though so it is worth considering. I did bring up the free time issue with my friend and she said he has a healthy social life outside of his daughter. I guess his sister watches her every other weekend for him since her daughter and his are close friends.

 

[Jay]

This is true but she has not been around since she was 2 and she is 6 now, been 4 years. He has full custody and if she were to show up, it would have to be handled in the courts. I don't know much beyond this though so it is worth considering. I did bring up the free time issue with my friend and she said he has a healthy social life outside of his daughter. I guess his sister watches her every other weekend for him since her daughter and his are close friends.

You do not need to focus on his custody arrangement right now. You just need to specify how much time you need and see if he can keep up. That’s all that matters.

 

[Goldilocks]

Sounds like a great catch and the daughter is a good age where it is still easy to win her over.

I think you are over thinking it though. A lot of times women get ahead of themselves. You may not even like him or he may not even like you. I would just see if you click first before you start deciding what kind of step mother you will be.

 

[sourgrapes]

Sounds like a great catch and the daughter is a good age where it is still easy to win her over.

I think you are over thinking it though. A lot of times women get ahead of themselves. You may not even like him or he may not even like you. I would just see if you click first before you start deciding what kind of step mother you will be.

I am going to be finding out his details later today. We are going to set up a date and see how it goes. You are right. I am thinking too far ahead. I am just focused on finding a husband so much so I don't want to waste my time. lol

 

[Jay]

Sounds like a great catch and the daughter is a good age where it is still easy to win her over.

I think you are over thinking it though. A lot of times women get ahead of themselves. You may not even like him or he may not even like you. I would just see if you click first before you start deciding what kind of step mother you will be.

Great advice!

 

[sourgrapes]

We set a date for the 10th. He is going to be out of town this weekend visiting his aunt (she can't travel right now cause of COVID so she won't be at his family event for Christmas) otherwise it would have been this Friday. So we will see how things go! Going to make sure I have the day off from work.

 

[sourgrapes]

I'll spare all the minor details but the date went well! We have a lot in common and I feel like we really connected. We are going to go on another date soon! He was a gentleman and was very respectful. I can tell his mother raised him right. I was on the phone with a friend of mine for the last hour and she was making jokes and kept playing wedding music. I told her I am going to slap her when I see her lol

 

[Goldilocks]

I'll spare all the minor details but the date went well! We have a lot in common and I feel like we really connected. We are going to go on another date soon! He was a gentleman and was very respectful. I can tell his mother raised him right. I was on the phone with a friend of mine for the last hour and she was making jokes and kept playing wedding music. I told her I am going to slap her when I see her lol

Glad it went well. I will just say this, everyone is great in the beginning. Stay level headed and don't get caught up in the fantasy. If you see a warning sign give it the proper attention. But I hope everything works out for guys.

 

[Jay]

I'll spare all the minor details but the date went well! We have a lot in common and I feel like we really connected. We are going to go on another date soon! He was a gentleman and was very respectful. I can tell his mother raised him right. I was on the phone with a friend of mine for the last hour and she was making jokes and kept playing wedding music. I told her I am going to slap her when I see her lol

That’s awesome news. I’m happy that you could possibly on the road to love.

 

[sourgrapes]

Glad it went well. I will just say this, everyone is great in the beginning. Stay level headed and don't get caught up in the fantasy. If you see a warning sign give it the proper attention. But I hope everything works out for guys.

For sure. This is why we agreed to take things slow. I am not about to rush into something. I want to make sure we are right for each other and really get to know each other before anything advances.

 

[sourgrapes]

I thought I would give an update. We have been hanging out a lot recently. It has been a good number of weeks so we are moving to the next phase of our relationship. I will be meeting his daughter and spending the day with them together. Since the weather is not ideal and we have a storm that might be rolling through, we decided to have an evening in. Going to watch some movies, play some board games, get some pizza. She is very excited. We video chatted over the weekend and she noticed and was saying hi to me. She is a very sweet girl. Looking forward to properly meeting her.

 

[blkautonomy]

A friend of mine's fiance has a cousin who she wants to set me up with. He is a light skin dude (mixed) with pretty green eyes. She wants us to go to the wedding together but was hoping we could actually date first and go as a couple. They are getting married at the end of January. I saw some pics and he is an attractive man. He is about 6'2, nice built but on the thinner side, working on starting up his own business, and has a lot going for him (already owns his own house). The only thing is, he does have a daughter from a past relationship of whom he takes care of full time. The mother skipped state when she was 2 years old and basically dumped her on him. His ex was a white woman so the little girl is more white than black. I don't have an issue with that though. She is a cute girl and all and no baby momma drama in the picture but my concern is that if it became serious, I might treat our children better than her. I always had this worry when dating men who already had kids. I am not sure how I feel about it. She is 6 years old now and he is 32. What would you do in this situation? Any advice?

Forgive me for the long message in advance plz but everything I’m saying comes from experience. When it comes to dating you always should look for and analyze all red flags🚩. When doing so the rule should be no more than 3. Some say even less. If there are 3 or more keep lookin. And i count at least 3 based off what you gave.
1🚩— His choice in women particularly the white woman. What drew him to her and what broke them apart. Also the biological mother too because most intelligent people know what they are getting into before they create whole new life with someone. Most ppl choose to ignore truth and see why they want. What did he ignore????? Most Importantly once you find out are YOU willing to ignore??????
2🚩— The young lady im sure is very sweet and beautiful. However keep in mind she is at the age where she may still be molded but there will be certain character traits that will seem solidified and some of those traits Daddy might have help built. What will you do when you disagree wit them???? And its you against them???? Which brings me to my last flag.
3🚩— This one is all you. If you think for a second you might treat this young lady different than your own future children then that should be the first and only clue you need to say NO to this one. No matter if she is angel or the devil reincarnated that young lady did not ask to be here and Definitely didn’t ask for the only woman who was suppose to be there for her to walk out. Loving a child tht did not come from you is hard work especially if you and that child don’t mesh well. How will you add mental and emotional scars to her if you get down the line and realize it doesn’t work out you.

Just somethings to consider. Peace and Love fam and B1 to you sister.

 

[Red Velvet]

Forgive me for the long message in advance plz but everything I’m saying comes from experience. When it comes to dating you always should look for and analyze all red flags🚩. When doing so the rule should be no more than 3. Some say even less. If there are 3 or more keep lookin. And i count at least 3 based off what you gave.
1🚩— His choice in women particularly the white woman. What drew him to her and what broke them apart. Also the biological mother too because most intelligent people know what they are getting into before they create whole new life with someone. Most ppl choose to ignore truth and see why they want. What did he ignore????? Most Importantly once you find out are YOU willing to ignore??????
2🚩— The young lady im sure is very sweet and beautiful. However keep in mind she is at the age where she may still be molded but there will be certain character traits that will seem solidified and some of those traits Daddy might have help built. What will you do when you disagree wit them???? And its you against them???? Which brings me to my last flag.
3🚩— This one is all you. If you think for a second you might treat this young lady different than your own future children then that should be the first and only clue you need to say NO to this one. No matter if she is angel or the devil reincarnated that young lady did not ask to be here and Definitely didn’t ask for the only woman who was suppose to be there for her to walk out. Loving a child tht did not come from you is hard work especially if you and that child don’t mesh well. How will you add mental and emotional scars to her if you get down the line and realize it doesn’t work out you.

Just somethings to consider. Peace and Love fam and B1 to you sister.

I love brothas like you thank you for this excellent post.

 

[blkautonomy]

I love brothas like you thank you for this excellent post.

And i love & Adore Blk sisters like yourself. Thank you for the praise.

 

[Red Velvet]

And i love & Adore Blk sisters like yourself. Thank you for the praise.

Thank you brotha. We have to stick together.

 

[sourgrapes]

Forgive me for the long message in advance plz but everything I’m saying comes from experience. When it comes to dating you always should look for and analyze all red flags🚩. When doing so the rule should be no more than 3. Some say even less. If there are 3 or more keep lookin. And i count at least 3 based off what you gave.
1🚩— His choice in women particularly the white woman. What drew him to her and what broke them apart. Also the biological mother too because most intelligent people know what they are getting into before they create whole new life with someone. Most ppl choose to ignore truth and see why they want. What did he ignore????? Most Importantly once you find out are YOU willing to ignore??????
2🚩— The young lady im sure is very sweet and beautiful. However keep in mind she is at the age where she may still be molded but there will be certain character traits that will seem solidified and some of those traits Daddy might have help built. What will you do when you disagree wit them???? And its you against them???? Which brings me to my last flag.
3🚩— This one is all you. If you think for a second you might treat this young lady different than your own future children then that should be the first and only clue you need to say NO to this one. No matter if she is angel or the devil reincarnated that young lady did not ask to be here and Definitely didn’t ask for the only woman who was suppose to be there for her to walk out. Loving a child tht did not come from you is hard work especially if you and that child don’t mesh well. How will you add mental and emotional scars to her if you get down the line and realize it doesn’t work out you.

Just somethings to consider. Peace and Love fam and B1 to you sister.

I appreciate this, seriously. This is why I shared about it here. I like to get people not involved to look over what is happening cause my feelings may be clouded.

1 - He doesn't have a set preference according to what he has told me. He has dated white and Hispanic women but mostly dated black women. He is mixed himself. I can't expect him to be 100% in one lane. That being said, from my understanding... She put up a false front. She made him believe she was something she wasn't. She has fled the state and wants nothing to do with her child or him. Now I don't know her family at all but I have to wonder if they are racist and threatened to disown her for sleeping with a half-black man. As far as I know, she is just a run-of-the-mill white woman.

2 - This is something to consider for sure. I am not going to be a replacement for her absent mother and I am sure as she ages, this might cause issues. This is where the relationship between me and her father will have to be strong.

3 - I have a long history of overthinking, overanalyzing, and worrying. I have trouble with anxiety. I have since my teens. My concerns were of what you mentioned, hurting her if something went south with me and her father. You are right to point this out.

Since posting that, we have been seeing each other and I will be meeting his daughter and spending time with both of them this weekend. After getting to know him more, a lot of my fears have subsided. That being said, there is no guarantee for what the future will be and children always make things more complicated.

 

[blkautonomy]

I appreciate this, seriously. This is why I shared about it here. I like to get people not involved to look over what is happening cause my feelings may be clouded.

1 - He doesn't have a set preference according to what he has told me. He has dated white and Hispanic women but mostly dated black women. He is mixed himself. I can't expect him to be 100% in one lane. That being said, from my understanding... She put up a false front. She made him believe she was something she wasn't. She has fled the state and wants nothing to do with her child or him. Now I don't know her family at all but I have to wonder if they are racist and threatened to disown her for sleeping with a half-black man. As far as I know, she is just a run-of-the-mill white woman.

2 - This is something to consider for sure. I am not going to be a replacement for her absent mother and I am sure as she ages, this might cause issues. This is where the relationship between me and her father will have to be strong.

3 - I have a long history of overthinking, overanalyzing, and worrying. I have trouble with anxiety. I have since my teens. My concerns were of what you mentioned, hurting her if something went south with me and her father. You are right to point this out.

Since posting that, we have been seeing each other and I will be meeting his daughter and spending time with both of them this weekend. After getting to know him more, a lot of my fears have subsided. That being said, there is no guarantee for what the future will be and children always make things more complicated.

I am happy about this update. Even more happy to know that you were doing your do diligence. I hope things keep working out.

P.S: It is true you can’t replace her mom But that choice is for her to make. I think any Blk man or woman like yourself who are willing to step in and take care of any of our blk children that were abandoned by one or both of their parents is more than worth the Title and Championship there of. Not many people would do that. The fact that you are willing says something about your heart condition and your sense of love and justice.

If no one has said thank you I will start. THANK YOU For being who you are.

Peace&Love and B1 Sista.

 

[Troy]

I am happy about this update. Even more happy to know that you were doing your do diligence. I hope things keep working out.

P.S: It is true you can’t replace her mom But that choice is for her to make. I think any Blk man or woman like yourself who are willing to step in and take care of any of our blk children that were abandoned by one or both of their parents is more than worth the Title and Championship there of. Not many people would do that. The fact that you are willing says something about your heart condition and your sense of love and justice.

If no one has said thank you I will start. THANK YOU For being who you are.

Peace&Love and B1 Sista.

I second this. Being willing to step into a Black child’s life and help them develop into a contributing member of society is the most admirable thing you can do. If your attitude is better conditions than your grapes, you’ll be a great step mom sourgrapes

 

[sourgrapes]

I appreciate those kind words from both of you. I don't really think of it that deeply but when I take a step back and see the amount of black kids who get left behind or adopted by people who don't know how to raise them (white people uneducated on black struggles) it makes for a very hard upbringing in an already hardened society that wants to keep them at the bottom.

 

[shwme2]

IMO. The best way to meet. To be introduced, thru a highly regarded friend.

 

[Red Velvet]

IMO. The best way to meet. To be introduced, thru a highly regarded friend.

Yes brotha. This has worked well for me. I need to get out of my way and stop messing situations up.

 

[shwme2]

Yes brotha. This has worked well for me. I need to get out of my way and stop messing situations up.

Ok...work on that.

 

[Red Velvet]

Ok...work on that.

Yes I will brotha.

 

[Goldilocks]

This is off topic but I know a guy who had a baby by a WW and she up and left him with the baby too. The baby is 8 months and she has been gone for over 2 weeks now. Is that common?

 

[sourgrapes]

This is off topic but I know a guy who had a baby by a WW and she up and left him with the baby too. The baby is 8 months and she has been gone for over 2 weeks now. Is that common?

I think I mentioned it before, I feel like this has to do with racist family ties. Like the woman had family who couldn't come to terms so she had to choose the man and the baby or her family. This is what I think happened with my boyfriend's ex. I think her family was not happy about her being with a black man and having his baby, even though he is mixed himself. Some white people are very much stuck in their ways and they want their kids to be stuck there with them.

 

[Devin]

A friend of mine's fiance has a cousin who she wants to set me up with. He is a light skin dude (mixed) with pretty green eyes. She wants us to go to the wedding together but was hoping we could actually date first and go as a couple. They are getting married at the end of January. I saw some pics and he is an attractive man. He is about 6'2, nice built but on the thinner side, working on starting up his own business, and has a lot going for him (already owns his own house). The only thing is, he does have a daughter from a past relationship of whom he takes care of full time. The mother skipped state when she was 2 years old and basically dumped her on him. His ex was a white woman so the little girl is more white than black. I don't have an issue with that though. She is a cute girl and all and no baby momma drama in the picture but my concern is that if it became serious, I might treat our children better than her. I always had this worry when dating men who already had kids. I am not sure how I feel about it. She is 6 years old now and he is 32. What would you do in this situation? Any advice?

I completely understand your worry regarding a possible relationship with a guy who has a 6-year-old daughter. You're worried that you may treat the child differently than your own, and that's completely understandable. A lot of people have this same mindset, so you are not alone. However, from personal experience, I found it just as enjoyable to love the stepchild the same as I do my own. If I'm with my significant other and she already has a child, that child becomes my own. I'm not only supplying the needs of my significant other, but I'm supplying the needs of that child too. Who knows, maybe you could have a bond with that child and treat it as your own? You will never know unless you give it a try and see how it plays. Keep up updated!